Coping with Grief

 

The Grieving Process

 

When a loved one is dying or dies, there is a grieving process.  Recovery is a slow and emotionally painful one.  The grieving process can be less painful if you try to understand that loss and grief is a natural part of life.  Learn to accept your loss and believe in yourself.  Believe that you can cope with tragic happenings.  The grieving process usually consists of the following stages.  Note that not everyone goes through all these stages.  Nor do they necessarily follow this exact order.  You may bounce back and forth between stages, or spend several months at a time on one stage.

 

Denial and Shock

At first, it may be difficult for you to accept your own dying or the death of a loved one.  As a result you will deny the reality of death.  However, this denial will gradually diminish as you begin to express and share your feelings about death and dying with other family members or friends.

 

Anger

During this stage the most common question asked is, “Why me?”  You are angry at what you perceive to be the unfairness of death and you may project and displace your anger onto others.  When given some social support and respect, you will eventually become less angry and able to move into the next stage of grieving.

 

Bargaining

Many individuals try to bargain with some sort of deity.  They probably try to bargain and offer to give up an enjoyable part of their lives in exchange for the return of the health or the lost person.

 

Guilt

You may find yourself feeling guilty for things you did or didn’t do prior to the loss.  Forgive yourself.  Accept your humanness.

 

Depression

You may at first experience a sense of great loss.  Mood fluctuations and feelings of isolation and withdrawal may follow.  It takes time for you to gradually return to your old self and become socially involved in what’s going on around you.  Please note that encouragement and reassurance to the bereaved individual will not be helpful in this stage.

 

 Loneliness

As you go through changes in your social life because of the loss, you may feel lonely and afraid.  The more you are able to reach out to others and make new friends, the more this feeling lessens.

 

Acceptance

Acceptance does not mean happiness.  Instead you accept and deal with the reality of the situation.

 

Hope

Eventually you will reach a point where remembering will be less painful and you can begin to look ahead to the future and more good times.

 

While working through these stages of grief you may often wonder, “Does grief ever end?”

Grief can sometimes be described as a period of intense emotional pain and suffering.  You can assume that at some point in time the suffering will ease in its level of intensity.  This will occur as you accommodate and integrate the loss into your new life.  This does not mean that you will ever stop experiencing periods of sadness, remorse and longing for your loved one.  However, it does mean that the intense acute phase of suffering will eventually come to an end as you work in resolving your personal grief.

 

Here is one person’s interpretation of grief and an example of a simple exercise to help you through the process:

 “Grief is an integral part of almost everyone's life. Whenever you go through the loss of a near and dear one, you go through a grief process. Grief is experienced physically and psychologically. Crying is an integral part of grief process. In cultures where crying is acceptable, loss is borne more readily than in those in which crying is discouraged.

When we have lost a near and dear one, it is initially difficult to accept the loss. This is natural. As time passes, the loss becomes easier to bear from a psychological perspective. But emotional expression is still an integral part of grieving. If the person is not allowed to grieve due to societal or family pressures, other problems like depression or anxiety may arise. From Nature's perspective, once someone has died, it is important that the (unconscious) mind accepts the loss. Once the unconscious mind accepts the loss after going through crying and sadness, life becomes easier.

A simple exercise will bring benefit to all those who want to deal with grief of a loved one.

Exercise: Close your eyes and imagine seeing the lost loved one in front of you. Talk to the person in your mind as if the person was standing in front of you. Treat the image as a real person. Having finished saying what you would like to say, bid the person GOODBYE and see the person go. You will notice feeling like crying or feeling sad.

Do this exercise everyday at least once, preferably before sleeping, til you start to feel comfortable seeing the person go. By that time your sadness will have reduced a remarkable extent.”

Author: Dr. Pradeep K Chadha

 

For more information on Dealing with Grief please visit or call Pacific Gardens Chapel to receive a free copy of “My Careletter, Understanding Grief” for a more comprehensive look into grief.