Discussing Grief with children
One of the most difficult tasks following the death of a loved one is discussing and explaining the death with the children in the family. This task is even more distressing when the parents are in the midst of their own grief. Since many adults have problems dealing with death, they assume that children also cannot cope with it. Parents may try to protect their children by leaving them out of discussions and rituals associated with the death. Thus, children may feel anxious, bewildered, and alone. They may be left on their own to seek answers to their questions at a time when they most need the help and assurance of those around them.
Children may be so overwhelmed that they may appear to be unaffected. Regardless of this inability to express themselves, children do grieve, often very deeply. They may not fully comprehend what is going on, but they do know that something is not right. Children will pick up on the emotions of the parents, even if they try to hide them when in the children’s presence. Even if the children are too young for explanations they need love from the significant people in their lives to maintain their own security.
Some common expressions of a child’s grief:
Shock
The child may not believe the death really happened and will act a though it did not. This is usually because the thought of death is too overwhelming.
Physical Symptoms
The child may have various complaints such as headaches or a stomachache and fear that he, too, will die.
Anger
Being mostly concerned with his own needs, the child may be angry at the person who died because he feels he has been left “all alone” or that God didn’t “make the person well.”
Guilt
The child may think that he caused the death by having been angry with the person who died, or he may feel responsible for having not been “better” in some way.
Anxiety and Fear
The child may wonder who will take care of him now or fear that some other person he loves will die. He may cling to his parents or ask other people who play an important role in his life if “they love him.”
Regression
The child may revert to behaviors he had previously outgrown, such as bed wetting or thumb sucking.
Sadness
The child may show a decrease in activity—being “too quiet.”
Each adult and child’s reaction to death is individual in nature. It is important to remember that all of the reactions outlined are normal expressions of grief in children. In the grieving process, time is an important factor. Experts have said that six months after a significant death in a child’s life, normal routine should be resuming. If the child’s reaction seems to be prolonged, seeking professional advice of those who are familiar with the child (e.g., teachers, pediatricians, clergy) may be helpful.
Sesame Street’s “When Families Grieve”
This website utilizes the power of the Sesame Street Muppets to aid with communication between adults and children through strategies and language that are child-appropriate and useful for the whole family.