What to say to someone who is grieving

Many people, albeit with good intentions, try to rationalize the situation when dealing with someone who has recently lost a loved one, with phrases like “it’s a blessing in disguise”, or “maybe it’s for the best.”  These statements may or may not be true, but for the family, it doesn’t seem like a blessing.  To them, it’s NOT for the best...in fact; it is usually the worst thing that could have happened.  Remember, there are no ready phrases which will take away the pain of the loss.  It’s more important for the bereaved to feel your presence than to hear anything you might say.  Especially with fresh grief, your embrace, your touch and your sincere sorrow are all the mourner may need.

Your greatest gift can be your invitation for them to talk, while you listen—offering no advice or judgment.  Phrases that will help open that dialogue are, “This must be very painful for you.” or “I really miss ________.  But that can’t compare to how much you must miss them.”  Then give the bereaved a chance to tell their story and express their feelings.  If the survivor keeps their feelings bottled inside, it will slow the healing process.

There are no right or wrong answers, the most important thing to remember is even if you are uncomfortable or self-conscious reaching out is always better than avoidance.  You may not know exactly what to say, but saying nothing at all may leave the bereaved feeling isolated and insignificant.

For more information on dealing with a bereaved family please visit Pacific Gardens Chapel to receive a free copy of “My Careletter, What Can I Say” Friends & Family Issue.